Her Journal
by Melfina-Pan
Summary: Misao leaves her journal at the temple and Aoshi fights himself to keep from reading it, though he's unsuccessful.
1. Confessions On Paper

**I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or its characters.Anything that's bold is being read from Misao's journal.Hope you enjoy the story ^_^

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**Her Journal**

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Aoshi came upon a small leather bound book in the far corner of the temple.The tiny volume looked as though it were left accidentally by a visitor.However upon closer inspection he noted that Misao's handwriting graced the cover."Journal" was written neatly in small print in the bottom left hand corner.It was then that he realized it was the very same journal he gave to her for her seventeenth birthday.

"That was three years ago," he thought.

He couldn't believe she was still using it.He fought the curious urge to open it and read.He was too well trained to give into such things, but still…she had been seeing a few suitors recently.Out of concern for her well being, perhaps he should read a few of the more recent passages to be on the safe side.After all it would just be brotherly concern and nothing more.What else would drive him to read the diary of a young woman?He blindly chose a page and started to read.

**….. Sorry I haven't written in a while.I just feel the need to get this off of my chest.I'm just so frustrated.It drives me insane.He's still so quiet after all of this time.He still barely says two words to me all day.Does he think I'm going to forever bring him dinner every night as he meditates at the temple?I'm not going to keep going with this subservient Misao-chan thing for much longer. I'm well passed marrying age and I can't keep waiting for him.Even Kaoru-chan is married now and Himura is as dense as they come in matters of the heart.I wish he would love me the way Himura loves Kaoru.**

Aoshi's eyes went wide in shock.She was writing about him?She still loved him after all this time.Perhaps it had grown passed girlish fancy.When he had first given her this journal, he knew of her feelings, but dismissed them as nothing more than puppy love.He thought it would fade over time.Nowadays she showed no outward signs of being interested in him anymore so he thought that she had moved on.He didn't realize how wrong he was.

**Aoshi-sama.You would be the only one that could love me completely.You'd be the only one that could understand all of my facades.The suitors I have now would never be able to love all that I am, and would more than likely be put off by my skill as a ninja.I need someone who can understand and love my true self and that person is you.**

**You probably have no idea how much I have cried over you.You meditate alone isolating yourself from everyone, creating your own private hell.Don't you see that sometimes being alone with your thoughts can be a torturous experience in itself?Why do you do that to yourself?I know that you blame yourself for the loss of our brethren.I just want to help you.Let me love you Aoshi-sama.Let me help to heal your wounds.I want to see you smile just once.A real genuine smile that shows the warmth I know you have deep inside of you.I just don't have the courage to say such things to him.I wish I did.**

She didn't have any idea how much he really did love her, all of her.He understood his feelings well enough, but because of the thick walls he built around himself, she would never know the truth.Whenever she came near him his heart called out for her love, but before allowing his composure to break he would flee to the temple, back into isolation.He had to meditate for an extended period of time to push his forbidden feelings back into the prison he created for them in his heart.

It wasn't just the fact that he still felt responsible for the deaths of Hanya, Beshimi, Shikijo, and Hyottoko, that he locked himself away from her.He had grown to accept that loss and the burden that it put on his soul.The biggest reason for refusing to allow her to love him was simply that he didn't want to corrupt her.He had so much blood on his hands and he didn't want to stain her with it.Besides he promised her father, the former Okashira, that he would watch over and protect Misao, which means he must also protect her from himself.He had already failed Misao's father when he left for Tokyo and he had failed Misao as well, in countless ways.The least he could do was protect her from himself.

He had to admit he was still surprised that she could still see things with such optimism.She had lived a lifetime in just a few years as a warrior in the Oniwabanshu and yet she still maintained that youthful innocence filled with her love and enthusiasm for life.He no longer possessed such an innocent view of the world or life.He lost that a long time ago.

**Well, anyway I guess I should switch gears a bit.I met a boy about a week ago.His name is Tetsuya and he's rather handsome.He also practices kendo so I guess it's a start.I've gone into the city with him three times and had a pretty good time.He rather shy, but he's also very sweet.**

A boy?That caught his attention.What kind of boy was this Tetsuya and what are his intentions?

**Jiya and Okon were making fun of me after the third date because I came home with flowers.I don't see what the big deal is.He gave me a few flowers, not an engagement ring.Before I knew it Jiya was saying stupid things like, "My sweet angel Misao-chan is all grown up."Silly old man.I admit it was sweet of Tetsuya to bring me flowers, but still, those guys could calm down a little. **

**After that Okon and Omasu decided to drag me off to my room and do you know what they wanted to talk to me about?They wanted to make sure I knew all there was to know about sex and the worst thing about it was how brutally honest they were about everything.I swear I could have screamed right then and there.I don't plan on giving my innocence away until I'm married!Yeesh!If I wanted to have a conversation about sex I would have gone to Kaoru-chan.At least she would have been a bit more reserved in what she would tell me.After the scariest woman-to-woman talk on the face of the earth they decided to dress me up like a doll.I had to try on about fifty different kimonos before they gave me one that I liked.They said I had to look pretty when Tetsuya comes to take me to the festival at the end of the summer.I guess that makes a little bit of sense.**

Okon and Omasu.They were lucky he couldn't do anything about this.If he did it would reveal to everyone that he read Misao's journal.Of all the stupid things to do.Why give her such a talk when she barely knows the boy yet?

**Yesterday I missed giving Aoshi-sama his dinner at the temple.I got home late because I went out to meet Tetsuya again.I'm sure it made no difference to Aoshi-sama, but I felt bad because it's usually the only time I really see him all day.**

He felt a pang of jealousy when he read that.So that boy was the one responsible for keeping Misao from bringing dinner to the temple.It didn't matter to him whether he received dinner or not, but he missed Misao.He missed her perky greeting and the frustration that emanated from her when he barely acknowledged her presence.The look on her face was almost enough to make him smile.He flipped forward a few pages to see if there was anything else of significance.The last page caught his eye because the words were smudged.It was dated the day before and it seemed strange that Misao's neatness was disrupted in such a way.

**It's been a few weeks hasn't it?Today was the last I saw of Tetsuya.His parents arranged a marriage for him and he didn't find out about it until just recently.He apologized so much and I tried my best to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, but inside a hurt me a lot.**

By this point the words were becoming blurred and he squinted to read the rest.It was then that he realized her tears smudged the words.

**Now I have to go back to being lonely.All around me I see happy couples, yet in my desperate little world, that kind of happiness doesn't seem like it will ever be real.Will there ever be anyone who will…..**

That was it, he could decipher anymore, but what he read was enough to send his heart into twisted agony.She was hurting so bad and he was just sitting in here doing nothing to ease that pain.His mind and his heart waged war on each other.He wanted to badly to find her and comfort her.He was dying to confess how much he really did love her, but his mind kept advising against it.The war between emotion and reason, his mind had lost as he remembered how she mentioned her loneliness.He decided then to go comfort her and end his self-torture.Before he could do anything however, he felt a presence behind him.Misao's presence.As he turned around he forgot that he had her journal in his hands and it was indeed open for the world to see.

She looked at him for a moment and then noticed the tiny book in his hand.Surprise, shock, worry, anger, sadness.All of those emotions melded together to form a distraught expression.Before he could stop her, she ran out of the temple with tears streaming down her face.Before he could comprehend what was going on or what to do next, he found himself running after her.

**I suppose there will be a confrontation next.I haven't worked that part out yet.Thanks for reading.


	2. In The Rain

**More?!?!?!?!?!  Yup, here's another chapter.  It only took be about fifty bazillion years to put a new one up.  It's kinda short and I'm not sure whether I'll end it here or not.  Part of me wants to write Misao's reaction to this sudden affection from Aoshi and part of me wants to keep it the way it is.  I think I'll wait and see what everyone else says before I make a decision.  Thank you for reading and reviewing.

A clasp of thunder rang in her ears and the rain continued to fall endlessly.  She didn't care.  A bolt of lighting could strike her and she wouldn't care.  She lost her footing for a moment after running through a puddle of mud.  It was hard to run in a kimono and sandals and she always wondered how Kaoru managed to do it.  Quickly she discarded the irritating footwear so she could run faster.  She wanted to get as far away from Aoshi and the Aoiya as she possibly could.  

Misao thought back to what happened earlier.  She walked into the temple in hopes of finding Aoshi.  He stood in the middle of the room and it appeared he was looking at something.  Then he turned to face her and she realized what he had in his hands.  Her journal.  There it was, opened for the whole world to see and Aoshi read it.  Of all people in the world, why Aoshi?  Her vision started to blur as tears formed.  He now knew everything that she felt.  Everything.  Her only response was to run away.

Nearly tripping and falling once again brought her back to the present.  She scowled at the root she tripped over and continued on until she came to a stream.  The thunder and lightning had passed by, but the rain remained and it continued to wash over her as she sat on the stream bank.  She pulled her legs up and rested her chin on her knees.  What would she do now?  She'll never be able to face Aoshi again.  She started to cry, her tears mixing with the rain.  

In the distance Aoshi ran.  He had an idea of where she might have gone.  It was probably to the stream, which was roughly a mile from the Aoiya.  As a little girl she would go there whenever she was upset.  She probably thought he had forgotten that place, but then she must have forgotten that every time she went to the stream, he was the only one who could bring her home.  She wouldn't go with anyone else.  

The stream was in his sight so he decided to walk the rest of the way.  He didn't want to scare her away by running toward her.  It was always best to calmly approach her.  He continued to walk and he noticed her hunched figure on the stream bank.  Her kimono was muddy and her hair had come loose from its binding, falling like dark waves down her back.  He crept quietly toward her.  It wouldn't be long before she would sense his presence and run again.  He had to get close enough to grab her if she tried to get away.  He made up his mind that he would tell her his true feelings and he would make sure that she heard them.

True to Aoshi's thoughts, Misao had sensed someone approaching.  She turned around only to find the last person she wanted to see standing right behind her.  She wanted to bolt right then and there, but she couldn't make herself move.  She could only stand there and stare at him.  He was soaked to the bone and his hair was plastered to his face.  His clothes were a muddy mess like hers.  Even looking like that he still looked gorgeous to her, but she berated herself for thinking such things.  Finally she began to wonder why he was there in the first place?  

Before Misao could say anything Aoshi pulled her into a tight embrace.  He realized that this would puzzle her; after all he never displayed even this much affection, however he was willing to take the gamble.  He held her close and they stood there like that for a while until Misao started mumbling.  Aoshi stepped back from her so he could hear.  She stared up at him in confusion.  She didn't quite understand what was going on.  

"Why?  Why did you read it Aoshi-sama?  Why did you come after me?  Why did you hug me?  I don't understand you.  Every time I try I just end up getting more confused."

            Aoshi put his hands on her shoulders to try and calm her.  She was right to question his actions since his behavior had been strange.  

"Aoshi-sama?"

"I suppose I've been acting strangely, but I will not apologize for reading the journal." 

"Nani?!?  Aoshi-sama, you read my most personal and private thoughts!  How could you do something like that and not even apologize?"

"I read it because I was worried about you."

"Well that's no excuse for……you were worried about me?"

"You had those suitors lately.  I wanted to make sure that you weren't being rash.  I knew you would never answer me about such matters if I asked you directly."

            Her eyes were as wide as saucers as she listened to Aoshi explain himself.  He was actually worried about her?  She could hardly believe it, but there he was telling her of his concerns.

"I saw the journal in the temple and at first I fought the urge to read it, but my concern and will to check up on you won over caution.  To tell you the truth, as I read I became somewhat jealous."

"Eh?  Why?"

            Aoshi looked Misao in the eyes, his ice blues holding her gaze.  He then grabbed her chin and tilted her head up, preparing her for what he was about to do next.

"Because I'm selfish and want you to myself."

At that Misao's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.  Before she could fully comprehend what was going on Aoshi leaned forward quickly and crushed his lips to hers, wrapping her thin frame in another tight embrace.  Misao began to quiver, her body melting into his hold.  There in the downpour two lost souls finally came together.


End file.
